28 November 2012

Uncertain future...

There are so many other things I wanted to blog about in the past month but ironically, I never got around to it. Now, I feel an urge to write this all out after having the weirdest and most shattering dream last night. It's not uncommon for me to have really weird dreams on a regular basis (and sometimes I feel sorry for my friends who tell me that they don't dream at all - or rather that they can never seem to remember them). For the most part, my dreams are a conjured mess of really wacky and random things and even contain characters who I swear I've never met in my life. Most of these dreams mean absolutely nothing and it's just my brain trying to entertain itself while I slumber. But then you get those meaningful dreams - the ones that can really shake you.

Okay, in all honesty, last night's dream wasn't that earth shattering. But it did give some food for thought. The setting of the dream doesn't really mean anything (I don't think) but basically I was outdoors on a bench next to a large building with a fellow classmate (who I don't even know!) and a tutor / professor / teacher. We were discussing our progress with our upcoming presentation - one that involved a lot of flashy visuals, slide shows and video conferencing with the assessors. The presentation was based on an area of research we conducted a paper on and for the most part, was science based (a-ha! yes makes total sense because I did a science degree haha). The really BAD thing was, I hadn't submitted my paper. I hadn't even researched for it. What the flipping hell?!

I admit, in reality I wasn't the best student... in any level of education. I put things off til the very end; a huge procrastinator. I would lose some, then I would ace some. Maybe there was something about the stress that helped motivate me better but it was the nastiest habit to have and I really hope I can break my kids out of that in the future. Imagine all the HDs I could have received had I not received the late penalty on my assignments!!

Anyway, according to my dream, I had until September 30th to finish everything before I could present. Apparently the 30th fell on a Sunday and my presentation was at 12.40PM. I wonder if this is meant to be significant or something but I find it weird that I remember this in such detail. The one thing that really worried me in the dream was that I had already graduated and didn't have access to online journal articles - omg how to do any research and referencing?! GONNA DIE!!!! Okay, so this is the point I mainly remember up to. The rest is a bit of rubbish I think.. like lying like a plank under the bench with my front against the bottom of the chair.. how does that even.. I can't even.. WTF?!

1. Why would I do that?
2. How did I get there?
3. Why was gravity allowing me to do that?!

Alright, most importantly, what did I get out of this dream? Quite simply, I've been thinking about my future quite a bit recently. Most people have it all planned out by now. They've finished their respective undergrad degrees, they've moved on to postgrad, grad positions, internships, study abroad or even full time work already. I didn't plan anything. I didn't even plan to get into the university degree that I ended up graduating from. Everything happened because I thought that one way or another, it had to.

I had no aspirations in high school. Not even an inkling of what I wanted to do with my life. I had been told that I was good at listening and helping people with their problems and perhaps that drove me to the idea of being a counselling psychologist. Going through my studies in VCE and then in university with a 40 point accredited major, I realised that just because I seemed to have a knack for empathy and problem-solving, it wasn't enough for the types of issues that I would have to face as a counselling psychologist. I do not harbour a lot of life experience and even the thought of my clients depending on me for support is a scary thing. It is A LOT to take other people's baggage onto your shoulders. You meet some very vulnerable people and it's often a very blurry line when it comes to what is ethical or not. I don't know how I could possibly keep my own values at bay when providing guidance to these people. You have to remain impartial. Could I really do that?

For the most part, I have already decided that it is not the right time in my life to pursue that type of career. I don't think I would be able to maintain a emotionally stable front. This is getting a bit to serious for me - much more D&M than I had planned on.

Right now, I'm in the process of researching my career options. My aim is to apply for grad programs and internships and see where that takes me. I'm looking more into the corporate world than the science world right now - mainly HR and marketing. I guess I have a preference for the current company I'm working for because I'm already working on the front line. I think that gives me a bit of an advantage because I know what it's like to sell our products and services and I have daily interactions with our consumers.

I'll see how I go. I think I need to do more research and preparation. Fingers crossed!!